i have spent most of the summer seeking the perfect tan. once a camp counselor in miami, i know what my skin pigment is capable of and as such, i had planned to use my sabbatical in june to unleash it. my daily regimen consisted of:
9:00am: alarm went off
9:30: considered getting out of bed
10:00: feet touched the floor for the first time
11:00-2:00: headed to starbucks to work on pending book, flirted with sb manager, bantered with downstairs-amy for a couple hours over instant messenger
2:00: returned home
2:25: went to the pool
2:30: layed out exactly two beach towels over pool chair facing south-southwest. pumped up ipod. begin tanning regimen laying on back
3:15: dip in pool. flipped to stomach
4:00: dip in pool. flipped to back
4:20: flipped to stomach
4:40ish: went inside.
the rest of the day was just details. my tanning regimen was the pillar around which everything else was scheduled. afterall, if i'm applying to grad school as hispanic than at least i can boast the complexion to make it believable.
when i began my new job, frankly, working 9-5 really screwed up my regimen. slowly throughout the months of july and august, my gorgeous tan began to fade. bikini lines were still present to the untrained eye, but those who saw my golden complexion at its height were disappointed by my increasing office-space coloring.
with cheeks' wedding approaching, i was determined to spend the weekend poolside in order to appear next weekend not only skinnier but tannier.
it poured on friday.
the sun was no where to be seen on saturday.
uvs were MIA on sunday too.
so much for planning ahead.
stage left; enter the life size easy bake oven.
i have never been to a tanning place before, but as i was lying in a coffin shaped uv generator for 9.5 minutes yesterday, i realized that fake-bake tanning was a the ultimate dream for a type A personality: being able to do something that normally takes 4-5 hours in just 10 minutes.
can you imagine if the equivalent existed for grad school applications, the professional workday, studying for an exam, or say ... a thanksgiving turkey?
moreover, whoever came up with the concept of getting people to pay for something (tanning) that they can get for free (the sun) is a genius. it's equal to the respect i have for the people who came up with the ideas for bottled water and bagged ice. you can get both for free, and yet people will pay $4 for a dasani at a baseball game. fucking brilliant.
but, do not confuse my appeal towards these efficiency/business savvy concepts for an endorsement of fake baking. tanning is preposterous. not only is the intense uv exposure bad for you, but also it's highly addicting.
i have another appointment on wednesday.
but between you, me and the unlimited public who has access to my blog, my appointment on wednesday has less to do with my instant addiction to tanning beds as it has to do with a slight hiccup from my first easy-bake experience.
when i made the decision to tan, i asked my brother's girlfriend if she had any words of advice for a first timer (weird to ask advice about my first time from my lil' bro's girlfriend. anyhow...).
she told me that, if nothing else, to put the towel under my butt so that it didn't burn.
so i did.
now i have a nice bronze glow ... and a huge white square on my ass. hence the next appointment - an attempt to hide the slight misfortune of my first tanning experience. only debbie could mess up tanning. give her a hard crossword puzzle or a difficult lsat logic game; no problem. tell her to lie somewhere for 10 minutes and she screws it up.
at least i didn't have a panic attack like my older sister.
Monday, August 29, 2005
fake baking
Posted by: DBR @ 9:45 AM
I used to fake bake, it was the only way I could get a tan without burning.
I'm so white that any time in the sun fried my skin. Once I realized the beauty and ease of fake baking I couldn't stop.
did it for five years until I was asked nicely to stop???
Now I'm back to whiter than white.
Have you tried the mystic tan? No tan lines at all and no UV rays to kill you in the future. It's not exactly a real tan, but it looks damn good. It's my secret to looking like I have time to lay out at the beach when instead I'm usually in the library studying.
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