i didn't want to go to harvard anyway.
so i finally took the last grad school admission test i needed to complete before applying to the however many dozen who-the-hell-am-i-kidding schools on my list. (hence the short blog post yesterday; my nerves procluded me from doing anything overly creative or thought intensive). i've been studying for the gmats since february, so yesterday should have ended in relief and celebration ... in theory.
i broke the score i set out to beat.
and i cried anyway.
i should have scored higher. i know i could have.
for the people who have witnessed me in an academic environment, this sort of self-loathing doubt should come as no surprise. somehow, i always feel like i wind up lost in that space between doing-fine and doing-exceptional. i always just do ... "well." it's kind of like bad sex. it's ... good; i was just hoping for something ... more.
so i find myself in what my friends refer to as my snobbish academic conundrum. by any normal standards, i know i kicked ass. and yet, i don't feel like i did the best i could have. i should be happy, but something in my gut tells me that i didn't live up to expectations. here's the part where my friends roll their eyes and tell me to shut up.
the boyfriend pointed out that the expectations i always fall short of are my own unrealistic ones. i'm not unrealistic; i'm "lofty."
hi, my name is debbie. hi debbie.
and i'm an overachiever.
i have been an overachiever since i was in elementary school. i begged my first-grade teacher to let me retake a spelling test on which i misspelled "change" (i forgot the g), because it broke my year-long perfect spelling test record. i remember the exact word because ms. binder tried to make me feel better by saying "oh geeeeee, it's not big deal to forget a g sometimes." insert joke here about the one word i misspelled being the word "change."
if i admit to expecting too much, do i get to park in the expectant parking spots at shopping malls?
i suppose i could take the test again.
and i'll probably still apply to harvard. but like i said, i don't want to go there, even if they screwed up and accidentally accepted me. boston winters are too cold for me anyway.
Friday, August 26, 2005
GMATters
Posted by: DBR @ 12:00 PM
i misspelled "jump" in first grade." I forgot the "m". I spelled jup, how horrible. I cried in front of the whole class. I was wearing a red tee-shirt. I have never worn red to this day!
I'm glad you decided to forge ahead and decide to apply to Harvard...
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