some of us do it in bed.
some of us do it at our desks at work.
some of us do it riding public transportation.
some of us do it in the car.
i, personally, do it best when i'm in the shower.
i'm referring, of course, to the act of thinking.
last week, brian j. told me that for him, all the trials and tribulations of being twenty-something stare him in the face as he lies/lays down at night to fall asleep. i have been putting off writing about the i-can't-fall-asleep-because-i'm-thinking-about-a-million-other-things-that-are-screwing-up-my-life syndrome because, frankly, it's not funny. also, i trained myself in college to fall asleep without letting myself get worked up with the shit i didn't get done that day (i'm also not a night person, but for that matter, i'm not a morning person either. i'm a sleeping person). for me, those thoughts attack me when i'm at my most vulnerable -- naked.
you know how your singing voice sounds better in the shower? maybe it's the steam that clears my head or maybe it's the funky herbal scent from the conditioner i've been using since i was 12, but for me, my thoughts sound better in the shower too. i've prepared for in-class presentations in the shower. i've had entire fights with friends in the shower (sans the friend in foe). i've written speeches in the shower. i've studied for tests in the shower. occasionally, i'll come up with solutions to world peace in the shower too. (the law school personal statement still eludes me; more shower time scheduled).
but my biggest fears face me in the shower too: what if i never feel ready to get married? what if i don't get into any law schools or business schools? what if i don't make enough money? what if i'm not smart enough or skinny enough? what if i fart in LSAT class in front of my students? what if i drop the ball at work? what if i don't score high enough on the gmat? what if i never find a job that i love?
i don't care what they say about how hard it is to be a teenager. sure, there's acne, embarrassing situations and bad sexual encounters of the third base. but you don't have to worry about where you're going to live (with parental units), whether the bills are paid or not (they are), or what you're going to have for dinner (take out on the table at 7:15). and societal norms have the next stage of your life already planned out: either you're going to be a freshman in college, you're going to do some interim program, or you're going to work.
but being a teenager is easy compared to being 20-something. we have to figure out what we're going to do with the rest of ours lives, who we're going to spend the rest of our lives with and how we're going to get there. nevermind finding a place to live, paying the bills, foraging for food and occasionally entertaining ourselves too.
brian wrote, "and its not that we lay there thinking about how we're gonna put our kids through college or fund our retirement. instead it's thoughts of relationships, questions of what's next, job stresses, family conflicts, and problems that may never come to be but we worry about anyway...i'm not sure what you see each night, but then again, that's why you're the writer and i'm just a kid who rambles."
nope brian, we're all just rambling.
... some of the supercilious ones just feel the need to ramble on a blog.
Friday, August 12, 2005
mentally masturbating
Posted by: DBR @ 11:00 AM
I'm newly thinking about how I'm going to fund my retirement. My new job gave me a package of benefits that includes a retirement fund, life insurance (so embarrassing: my beneficiary is my mom), and optional CANCER insurance. Morbid, yes. At least in my last job I never had to worry about being covered if something drastic happened...I just WASN'T.
As someone a month away from taking the lsats, unemployed & a 20 something...All I can say is I totally understand your blog.
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