i just did the number one thing i swore i would never do at work.
(besides fart in front of my coworkers)
i just cried in front of my boss.
i'm not talking like eyes swelling and a little trouble speaking. i'm talking like full-on-river-generation-snot-flowing-and-there-is-no-damn-tissue-around crying.
and know why?
i just learned that i'm not superhuman. and i suck at some things. it turns out that i'm as prone to failure as everyone else is. fuck.
don't get me wrong; i'm not yet fully convinced that i'm human. but i now know that i'm not superhuman.
whoever said it was easy to be an overachiever was lying. you think i bring this crap on myself? you think i like to be a perfectionist? what i wouldn't give to be satisfied with mediocrity. is this what growing up is? admitting mortality? fine, i'm going to die one day; but can't i at least be superhuman until then?
my job is filled with monsters that i've never faced before. working for a guy who tells you you're stupid everyday is bad, but try working for a job where your efforts make you feel stupid everyday. then go home and stare at a stack of applications that are due soon. it's completely draining.
turns out, my job is also filled with lessons that i've never faced either. i'm trying to learn how to say no (which many boys will attest i'm not so good at). i'm trying to learn how to do everyone's job except mine. i'm trying to learn how to handle responsibility that is way beyond anything i've ever done. i mean, screwing up a jewish program on a college campus ... is one thing. screwing up when you work for a social justice organization that hundreds of thousands of people depend on ... is another. and i'm just trying to do the communications and public relations. way to be a do gooder, debbie. see what you've gotten yourself into?
so as i left my boss' office, i felt stupid and defeated. not just because i can't do my job well enough for someone else's expectations, but because i fucking cried.
so here's what i'm thinking: want to know what i want to do with the rest of my life? i want to be successful. and not successful in the financial sense (which would certainly be a bonus). i want to leave work everyday thinking i not only did something meaningful but that i also accomplished something. accomplished anything.
admitting imperfection might be the hardest thing i've ever done. and it is undoubtedly a lesson i will forget tomorrow.
they might as well black ball me from law schools and business schools. no one wants a mediocre cry baby.
mfa in creative nonfiction; here i come.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
medioCRitY-baby
Posted by: DBR @ 1:45 PM
There was one (let me clear my throat, there that's better), that you could say no to... Take solace in that :)
Well, I have two things to say to this:
One) You caught me not being caught up on your blog when you told me about the crying last night.
Two) For public consumption: You should be flattered that they expect such big things of you. At least you're not ruining someone's calendar, like I am. I mean, who's going to give me more interesting things to do when I can't do something as lame as figure out dates and times?
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