monday evening began the jewish high holidays. which actually is a little deceiving for many young adults because the high holidays actually have nothing to do with getting high.

the first of the two high holidays that began monday eve is the jewish new year. again deceiving. because this new year doesn’t involve excessive drinking like the gregorian new year. we do that later this month on a different holiday and on the jewish halloween. afterall, why have one holiday dedicated to drinking when you can have two?

anyway.

i guess i have decided to write about the jewish thing because religion is a chapter in my book. for the non-jewish reader(s?), keep reading. this won't be too jewish; promise. downstairs-amy did not believe i could make religion funny, and she enjoyed the chapter.

i am an anomaly in my family. somehow, in high school, i found religion. well, i didn’t find religion so much as i found a bunch of kids who were all jewish like me. and we did some jewish things together in between hanging out, hooking up, and sabotaging christmas.

i got dragged to a couple youth group programs by this girl in my carpool. i had a really good time and told my family i wanted to become a paid member. my older, much wiser, sister told me that when she was my age, only losers joined that group. and that if i became "one of them," she couldn't promise she’d ever talk to me again.

so i joined.

i found an amazing group of guy friends. i found a tight niche of (2) girls. i found that being jewish could be cool despite the 75-year-old-hebrew-school-smelly-israeli-women-teachers-who-wore-too-much-make-up-and-perfume who made being jewish the least desirable aspect of any kid’s life.

i developed this jewish identity unlike anyone else in my family that really wasn't based on attending religious services (which i didn't do) or not eating pork (which i did). it was just founded on the fact that i had a bunch of jewish friends.

the other thing about teenage jewish youth group, is that it provides an "informal education;" one that isn’t taught in high school. it taught me about planning programs for my peers. it taught me the qualities of being a leader. it taught me how to speak in public confidently. it taught me how to give blow jobs too.

when i graduated high school, i naturally fell into jewish life on my college campus too. the skills i had learned through youth group in high school came in "handy" during college. all of them. ::wink::wink::

except that unlike my peripherally jewish friends in high school, my jewish friends in college were actually jewish. like they didn’t eat pork, they went to services, they lit candles on friday nights. in fact, by the time i graduated, i knew nine kids who were "pre-rab" (like pre-med or pre-law, except they were pre-rabbinical school), including my senior year roommate.

so i became actually jewish too. at least i tried.

one friday night senior year, i hosted a dinner for a group of friends. in order to accommodate the ones who wouldn’t eat out of my kitchen (i didn’t separate milk and meat), i brought all of it over to spi and gabe’s place. all of it: the matzah ball soup, the salad, the six side dishes and the two desserts. the only thing spi and gabe were tasked with was to make some chicken. when we began eating, the guests were overly complementary about the food.

"the noodle kugel is great!"
"the soup is delicious!"
"the desserts look amazing!"

which is when gabe piped in. "but i made the chicken!" he shouted.

we all started at him.

he hasn't lived that one down.

while barely jewish to my friends, i was super-jew in my family. my brother and sister stayed away, afraid that i might be contagious. my mom tried to be supportive. my dad pretended it didn't exist. my jewish identity grew more cultural and i yearned for more religion as i went through college. i guess "doing religion" with your friends was a lot cleaner than "doing drugs."

and then i graduated and left it all behind.

when i moved to dc, it was too expensive to "join" a local synagogue and everything around here seems... "too jewish." for some reason, the same prescriptions just don't work without the group of friends i had in college.

but i haven't become an angry agnostic or atheist. that would require a decision about how i feel about the existence of a "higher being" (g-d). to be honest, i just don't want to think about it right now.

so i dropped the religion thing.

mostly.

i still don't eat pork or shellfish.

just in case, you know?