freaking out.

i'm going to this prospective business school diversity conference in new york for the weekend, and i'm feeling ... inadequate ... to say the least.

diversity? yeah.

i'm hispanic. and jewish. and female. and partially nuts. and i have a hitchhiker's thumb. so there: i'm diverse.

although it seems that touting the jewish thing isn't so ... diverse ... at law schools and business schools. it is a well known fact that admissions committees open applications with last names like goldberg, feldman, solomon, schwartz rosenschumtzensteinbergbaum and think, "oh look. another jewish kid from south florida/new york/los angeles."

so it appears that the brown hair, blue eyes and jewish last name aren't going to get me so far in this admissions process. and i'm hispanic by all technical definitions.

for inquiring minds, i'll even tell you how (it's actually a good story): when my grandparents fled europe before world war ii, they were denied entrance into the united states because they were jewish. they first went to mexico, but found ranging anti-semitism there. so they settled in a small jewish community in bogotá, colombia where my father was born and raised.

my grandfather then won the lottery (twice) in colombia and bought his way and his family's way into the united states some time later.

and if i don't believe that there are jews in colombia, my first friend - ilana - in college was a colombian jew too. our familias were even compadres in the cocaine-capitol of the world.

so you know what? and as a budding unscrupulous lawyer and a blossoming unprincipled businesswoman, i say: "if you got it flaunt it."

flaunt. flaunt. flaunt. flaunt. flaunt. flaunt. flaunt. flaunt.

the only problem i can see is that this diversity program is going to have two groups of people: hispanic-americans and african-americans. in case you don't know what i look like (see picture above), i don't look like either.

so i've taken matters into my own hands.

i went tanning.

(common, tanning? i'm brilliant sometimes.)

and i'm practicing my accented english. the one i unintentionally put on while talking to spanish speakers. the one i learned from my housekeeper/nanny growing up. the one that i've developed as a coping mechanism for these sorts of situations. sabes?

don't get me wrong: i speak spanish. i understand spanish. and i've learned spanish academically and in department stores in miami. but if any native-speaker hears one word come from my mouth, he/she knows my inadequacies.

i'm not really sure how i get myself into these situations.

sometimes i think that if i just let people judge me on my abilities (blogging, cooking, and showering) rather than my inadequacies (being hispanic), i'd be better off.

but i'll deal with that after i get into grad school.

hey. no one can deny that i'm not resourceful.