you may have noticed that i've been unusually quiet.

(or perhaps you haven't noticed at all.)

this whole application process has caught up with me. i'm tired of doing it. i'm emotionally worn-out. and i've got that sick to my stomach, nauseous, wanna-throw-up kind of feeling. the one where you can't form actual words because your tongue is sucked back into your gut?

applications and the admissions process has rendered me (more-or-less) speechless. which is quite a difficult feat to accomplish ... because i am rarely at a lack for words.

i've done 23 applications.

with 4 more to go.

i've spent over $1000 in application fees.

and over 50-hours of my life in front of a computer writing personal statements for law schools, describing why i want an mba, and making up situations in which i was working for a team that failed. (because i've never been on a team that's failed. for we type-a personalities, failure is never an option.)

for better or worse, applications have forced me to be much more introspective than i've ever been before. and frankly, much more introspective than i'm comfortable with. yet in a way, i think every person should have to apply somewhere every five or so years. taking the time to answer "what makes you unique?" and "what have you accomplished to date and what are your next steps in life?" has been a profound experience.

a profoundly uncomfortable one. but also a profoundly insightful one.

somewhere in between my august debacle of having no idea what i want to do with my life and jisaac's advice of just "making up some shit that the admission people want to hear," in my pursuit of persuading graduate schools that i had a 5-year and career-long plan, i think i've actually convinced myself. (damn i'm a good communications associate.) and i was able to tone down "i want to take over the world" to a much more feasible "i want to take over - just - the united states."

for the first time in my life, i actually have direction. well, sort of.

admittedly, i've been accepted to a couple of law schools. in fact, when penn law called, the admissions woman made a point of telling me that my personal statement was "phenomenal." and that it was "exactly what they were looking for." i think i floated around that day.

but apparently, penn's (now) insignificant business school thinks i suck. which, to date, is the most humbling experience of this whole application rendezvous.

because it turns out ... i'm not perfect.

but don't tell anyone else that.

it turns out that despite the fact that im a much stronger business school candidate, only law schools have expressed any interest in me.

i don't even want to practice law.

(dear law schools: please disregard that last statement. it was only a joke.)

although i said that i expected to get rejected from every school that i applied to, somewhere along the line, i realized that rejection sucks. so i honestly was not sure how the rejection letters would affect me until it actually happened. and now that it has, here's what i have to report: the piece that makes the rejection hurt is that despite the fact that rejected candidates aren't supposed to take it "personally," really, how can i not? you just told me that i'm not good enough for you.

i'm a perfectionist. and i'm still not good enough for you.

i'm sorry that i only have two years of working experience. i'm sorry that i didn't find the cure to some incurable disease. i'm sorry that i don't have a higher gpa. i'm sorry that i sneezed all over myself during the interview.

but i'm one hell of a student who aims to set the curve with an insatiable drive to do the impossible (like publish my book).

and on the off-chance that it turns out that wharton's not perfect, and i am - in fact - perfect, then they'll be sorry when i take over the united states.

in the meantime, i'll be here looking for my self-esteem.