despite my solemn swear to take a grounded, sarcastic approach to business school, harvard is depreciating my best asset: cleavage humor.

given my lack of actual experience in the real business world, i've spent the last few weeks struggling to find a meaningful way to connect with the new information i'm apparently supposed to absorb during my time here. in the face of uncertainty, i've started doing what i do best: take everything completely out of context and, whenever possible, create a sexual pneumonic device (and every single girl should own at least one of those).

the over-achieving, over-extended, over-worked, and under-slept people with whom i interact at business school can vouch for the fact that i don't really understand the concepts we plow through on a daily -- and nightly -- basis (and admittedly they're mostly right). so section-c, lt3, learning team 25, and harvard street 356a, this is for you.

debbie's guide to depreciating business school:

• it is important to have a position. a favorite position.
  

• materialism is an essential principle in accounting. and it is not by coincidence that materialism -- and superficiality, acquisitiveness, and avarice -- are specialties of mine.

• conservatism isn't just a sect of judaism.

• there are four important Ps in marketing. but really only two important ones in bed.

• the little debbie (snackcake) law has nothing to do with wip and output rate; the little debbie law involves whips and the rate at which i put out. (not mutually exclusive.)

• i do not currently have a lease on life. and even if i did, it probably wouldn't be on my balance sheet (capitalized). because this place has no balance.

• it is important sometimes to be in control and call the shots. and sometimes it is okay to roll over and go to sleep.

• men (inventories) in my life aren't lifo (last-in-first-out) or fifo (first-in-first-out); but rather, aiao (all-in-all-out).

• idle time ruins efficiency. and sex.

• it's not really correct to depreciate intangible assets. but you best appreciate we tangible ones.

• when building circuit boards, remember that the size of your wire counts, stripping off enough is key, placing your piece in the right hole is important, and it won't turn on if you don't push it in hard enough.

• if you can't be a baker scholar (i.e. cum laude), you might as well be a scholar who bakes and cums loudly.
  

• most importantly: it' all about sustainability. and flexibility. and being willing to try new things.
  

but the question remains, what is the net present value of dropping out of school?