i don't think my self-esteem could be any more deflated. on the other hand, i suppose that conventional wisdom suggests that at rock bottom, there's only one way to go: sideways, right?
hence, the reestablishment of my self-serving, self-deprecating, and self-masochistic forum for venting.
as my first semester of self-investment (with a beta of 1.34 because i'm not so diversified and highly-leveraged) draws to a close, i simply can't recapture the emotional hurricane from the last twelve weeks. but i can give you the gist of the
... and so:
what i really learned in business school this semester.
nothing will ever turn out the way you planned.
academia. the economy. global politics. bubble wrap. relationships. friendships. family. vacuum cleaners. seriously, no matter how much you plan; no matter how much thought you put in; no matter how much time you put into the little details, you can be rest assured that everything will get fucked up. period.
especially creme brule.
be careful what you wish for.
when i was choosing between schools eight months ago (has it been that long?), eric and i got into one of the only agruments of our relationship (see GMATters). my whole life, i have never been able to escape second-tier-ness. it shouldn't have mattered, but for whatever reason it did. and it was in this no less-dignified arena that i did what i do best: over-achieve, over-excel, and over-compensate for my inadequacies. after i expressed this absolutely snobby frustration to eric, he all but kicked me.
i wish he had.
matt lax tried. but for different reasons.
there are a lot of lessons i've learned this semester. "how to survive on 3 to 4 hours of sleep," for instance. and "how to pretend like i have any fucking clue what is going on during finance class." and, of course, "how to harvard." (for definition, see mincing words)
but the most deeply "anti-everything i stand for" lesson i've learned over the last five months is what it feels like to be ... truly inadequate. at everything. like really this time.
i should have been more careful about what i wished for.
after "setting the curve" for my entire life, i continue to set the curve here too. the bottom of it. like the part of the curve that's no longer curvy. and it feels crappy down here. the only good thing about being this far below is that i imagine it's easier to look up womens' skirts (which, sorry britney, doesn't even do it for me).
other than that, it just sucks.
it's not cheating if you don't get caught.
just kidding. that's a lifelong family mantra. didn't need to learn that here.
everything is more complicated than you think it is.
academia. the economy. global politics. bubble wrap. relationships. friendships. family. vacuum cleaners. seriously, ignorance is bliss.
it's important to remember who you are.
i always say that i was socially raised by guys -- a wolf in chic clothing if you will. i smoke cigars, check out girls, and play texas hold 'em with the best of them. and i have always rolled my eyes at individuals who play their identity cards to excuse inability ... or to get into grad school (see minor-ity problems). losers.
after five months of being a zebra trapped in a lion cage, it turns out that it is actually, and truly, difficult to be a woman -- a jewish, quasi-latina, nonprofit woman -- in business school. the assholes here attribute my uncertainty and lack of verbal conviction to the fact that i'm a woman (they haven't heard me in bed); but that assumption is fundamentally incorrect. it's just that i'm an uncertain person with a lack of verbal conviction -- my two assets and double-x chromosome have nothing to do with it.
so despite my goodwilled belief that the twenty-first century brought (cue patriotic music) equality, liberty, and justice for all (and krispe cream doughnuts), it turns out that today's business world -- and by proxy, business school -- requires that we females prove ourselves.
and frankly, i feel like i have nothing to prove. nothing to add either, but that's besides the point.
in the end, the race is only with yourself.
i'm going to throw the bullshit flag on that one. who are you kidding? the race is with everyone. including you.
in this situation, it's just that i'm still typing my shoes on the business school starting line and the rest of the first-year class is rounding out the first mile.
growing up hurts.
physically: given that i normally get sick about once every-other year, since moving here, i've had laryngitis, two colds, a chronic cough, a near-broken rib, and multiple handicapping leg cramps.
and it hurts emotionally too. this semester -- this place -- has been a deeply lonely experience. although i admittedly thrive off high-stress, high-responsibility, high-room-for-screwing-up situations, i've learned that the best personal growth really occurs when there's a "shared suck" (outside of the bedroom, of course).
making friends here is hard. feeling needed is hard. being noticed is damn-near impossible. and the notion that life is what happens between people makes this a very solitary experience.
i've never felt so lonely in my life. or sexually frustrated, for the record.
when it comes down to it, it's all about family and friends.
but really only some of you.
when we're away from our blood relatives, it's interesting how important friends become. in one sense, friends are the relatives we choose ourselves. and when i take a step back from the everyday grind, i realize that it is all about friends and family ... and the friends we make our family.
in theory, anyway.
and finally
two-thirds of hbs is bs.
no explanation needed.
You wrote my post! Well, what I would have written, two years ago, at the close of my first semester as an MIT grad student. Always the overachiever, I fell from the top of the curve, to rock bottom, and I can second that Cambridge is lonely as hell. But I survived, and got my degree too, though they were the most difficult two years of my life. Best of luck!
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