five interviews later, i'm actually farther behind in a summer internship search than i was just a few weeks ago. and by further behind, i mean that a half dozen companies that were once possibilities, now definitely don't want to hire me.

my experience thus far is best described by mark twain when he said: "it is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

the problem with being with being one big clusterfuck of sarcasm and sex is that during interviews, the responses that instinctively come to mind are far more clever and creative than the ones i actually give.

unfortunately, they are also far more inappropriate. so i'm left with phrases like: "leadership," "team player," and "unique balance between consensus-builder and decision-maker."

i have been reflecting on my failed conversations in an effort to identify opportunities for improvement. but as far as i'm concerned, here's how i imagine the interviews should have gone (by the way, these are all real questions i've been asked.):

interviewer: can you discuss an advertising campaign that you think is ineffective?
me: the geico-cavemen ones.
interviewer: oh really?
me: yeah totally. someone should tell them that cavemen don't exist anymore.

interviewer: can you tell me about a brand that resonates with you?
me: the *las vegas* brand
interviewer: that is an interesting answer! can you talk a little bit more about that?
me: nope, sorry. what happens in vegas, stays in vegas.

interviewer: what makes you unique at harvard business school?
me: great question. in a school full of bright, intelligent, and articulate individuals with amazing experiences, i stand out for being the complete opposite of everyone else.

interviewer: what do you think your friends and coworkers would say is your greatest strength?
me: oral sex. hands down.

interviewer: well what do you think your greatest weakness is?
me: i have no idea what you're talking about. my mom tells me that i'm perfect.

interviewer: what gets you out of bed in the morning?
me: my second alarm clock.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years?
me: i hope to be an entrepreneur with my own business ... selling cocaine on georgia avenue to pay back my horri-awful loans. you interested in an eighth?

interviewer: your resume indicates that you worked for nonprofits. what makes you think you can transition to the corporate sector?
me: i don't. i'm just hoping you'll be distracted by my cleavage and offer me a job.

interviewer: if you had a million dollars to invent anything that would change the world, what would it be?
me: fuck, if i knew that, do you think i'd be interviewing to be a brand manager for laundry detergent?

... but instead of those conversations, i managed to be completely uninspiring and unmemorable. which is an effective strategy on reality tv, but doesn't actually work in reality.