"i have a much better idea: just throw $50,000 into the ocean, give me another $50,000, and skip the law school piece. you'll still come out ahead." --JBI

(with artistic liberty from jon fitch)

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if i were patient, i'd make this argument into a long-winded speech about the inadequacies of our dating systems, the failings of our generation's social-support networks, and the tragedy of being twenty-something.

but i am not patient. i can freely admit that.

patience is a virtue ... that i don't have. you've spent the last few months hearing me bitch day after day and sifting through endless vignettes of complaining. i've had enough of wavering in my decision to go to law school, and i can see by your weary eyes that you're tired of hearing my deliberations, too.

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if i were brilliant, i'd deliver an eloquent, deftly delivered blog right now to let you know that i've made a choice in this life-changing decision.

but i am not brilliant. i can freely admit that.

if i were, i'd quote renowned judges, cite legal precedents, and spout latin phrases. hell, for most of my young adult life, i've been doing sudoku puzzles and crossword puzzles from the new york times and i haven't solved a fucking one. also, for the longest time, i thought "ipso facto" was a city in michigan.

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if i were emotionally stable, this is where i'd recite a litany of reasons why not going to law school appeals to logic and the most basic common sense.

now that i'm seeing a therapist, i recognize that i am not emotionally stable. i can freely admit that.

as some of you may have guessed by the way i have been unnecessarily honest about my bouts of depression, anxiety attacks, and that which plagues my twenty-nothing soul, these last few months have been a difficult time for me. i now recognize that shrieking, "i'm not that desperate and you're not that lucky!" in the parking lot in front of spangler hall might have been somewhat off-putting.

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if i were sober, i'd take this time to repudiate the bottle of wine i'm currently polishing off by myself.

but i am definitely not sober. i can freely admit that.

if i were, i'd be wearing underwear.

so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in conclusion, let me just say that although i am not a patient, brilliant, emotionally stable, or sober, i can freely admit that reese witherspoon was right when she said that law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. and although it is probably one of the most insanely idiotic things i have ever done and i will probably regret this choice for many many reasons, i have decided to go to law school. of the harvard flavor.

just thought you should know.

so who's up for a little pro boner?