my stomach is in knots.
i'm nauseous.
and when i think about socrates or pickles, i want to throw up.

so either this is what law students feel on their first day as a "one-L." or i'm pregnant. and honestly, it could go either way.

somewhere in the whirlwind of the last two weeks in august, i finished a job in california, moved across the country (cat plus mother in tow), started a part-time job, and oriented myself to what will undoubtedly be the worst year of my life to date.

and basically, i'm overfranxiosed.

the sheer difference in strategic thinking, casual conversations, and everyday lifestyle between an mba internship at kuugle and being a first year law student is like the difference between a cup of black coffee and a grande-non-fat-bone-dry-vanilla-cappuccino.

i went from a green bouncy desk chair to a cold, hard seat in a lifeless classroom. from choosing a color scheme for a power point presentation to penti-colored highlighting 19th century arguments. from hot chefs preparing ginger infused lobster potstickers to lunch ladies serving overpriced turkey sandwiches.

but perhaps the greatest distinction that seems to underlie every conversation i've had in the last 72 hours is how law school compares to business school. and here's the best analogy i can muster (my mental agility is currently overcapacity): being a JD/MBA is like having foie gras and a cheeseburger on the same plate.

the people are different. the conversations are different. the learning is different. and the wardrobe choice is completely different. but everyone is smart -- albeit in different ways.

business school people seem to be, on average, less socially awkward (with definite exceptions on both sides); however, in terms of sheer mental horsepower, i'm floored by the intellectual abilities of some of my law school peers. they might not be my first choice of protection in a dark ally, but i wouldn't want anyone else to protect me -- or my enron-admiring business school friends -- in a courtroom.

. . .

(^^that's a law thing, and i don't know what it means yet, but i felt like implementing it.)

tonight, as i sit before still unpacked boxes and unread law school assignments on the first day of what might possibly be the worst year of my life, i'm unable to discern a single telling event to segue into the hurricane of emotions swirling around my apartment.

the hardest thing about the life that i've chosen as a twenty-something is that i've been in a perpetual state of change. i feel like i've spent the last 3 years of my life making new friends, saying goodbye, and scaling learning curves.

i've had five different casts of friends. lived in four different cities. gained and lost and regained the same 12 pounds. and i while i can happily whip out a six-course meal, the perfect chocolate chip cookie still eludes me.

and although i've survived -- barely -- the first day of law school and the first year of business school, i remain firmly certain that the privilege of attending this university will eventually be revealed as a peculiar joke or a horrible mistake before i graduate.

"in baseball it's the rookie year. in the navy it is boot camp. in many walks of life there is a similar time in trial and initiation, a period when newcomers are forced to be the victims of their own ineptness and when they must somehow master the basic skills of the profession in order to survive. for someone who wants to be a lawyer, that proving time is the first year of law school."

but i once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for lambda kappa pi. so trust me, if i could handle that, i can handle anything.