there are two certainties in my world:

1. i. do. not. shovel. snow. off. cars. (and i dare you to confirm that with the guy i was dating -- the operative word being "was" -- last december who made the tragic mistake of asking me to do so.)
2. i hate the telephone. and avoid it as often as possible.

so when they insisted on training me at my summer internship to answer the phone because the office manager was away getting married or saving spiders in iceland or something like that, i panicked.

sure. i'm an intern. it's my *job* to do bitch work. i get that. and i'm okay with that.

but really: answer the phone? (my co-legal clerk intern from another unheard of university in new haven's response: "over my dead body.")

it's not that i'm too good to answer the phone. and i don't mean to come across as holier than thou (i am) or snobby (i'm that too). it's just that ... well ... i'm not good at the phone.

not good at the phone?

dude, i get performance anxiety.

for as long as i can remember, people have described me as a tactile person. i like to look people in the eye. see when they smile. watch them when they orgasm. (and according to nip/tuck, once you've seen someone's cumface, you've seen his/her soul.) i like to think my facial expressions and body language speak louder than my words.

although i suppose that's not true, prima facie, in bed.

anyone who spends more than 20 minutes with me can assure you that i don't get up to go pee unless i have my blackberry phone in my hand. however, those who try to reach me vocally are more likely to hear my voicemail message and receive a follow-up text message seconds later.

i don't just "screen" calls. frankly, i don't fucking answer them. any of them.

in the age of text messaging, where words are reduced to nonstandard abbreviations and symbols, many people question the strength of today's communities. it is possible that we are no longer the "joiners" and the "do-ers" of putnam's bowling alone ideal standard. but it is also possible that for social recluses like me, in fact, technology gives courage to those of us who might not necessary speak out.

in fact, i might argue that the growth of mobile devices as portable internet vehicles and as personal all-in-one communication mechanisms is connecting today's global community more than ever before. i think it's also part of what separates today's twenty- and thirty-something generations from our parents.

well, that and the thumb evolving into a digit good at unprecedented repetitive movement.

so what gives? i am deeply passionate about communication (and have made it my forte to the extent that anyone would consider me a professional). and i'm attached to my blackberry like a second vagina. but i don't like talking on the phone. isn't that sorta like fucking without orgasming?

maybe. but i did it for 11 years. and you can too.